The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe