My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
They did not think through this water fountain
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.