“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I love twitter
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?