kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“Sheer Arrogance”