so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?