Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.