I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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[eulogy]
line?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.