If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Have a lovely day 😊
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Watson was Holmes schooled
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: