Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.