[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.