I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
You Might Also Like
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
This line from Airplane.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan