[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.