My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”