Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’s a gift
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch