Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees