Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
How actors in movies eat their food
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m good, thanks.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Okay, I’m still confused…
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
He-man has a Masters degree
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]