10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
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What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.