Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
This kid will have a bright future.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.