Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
me refusing to leave twitter
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.