waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Okay, I’m still confused…