If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
You learn something every day
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.