*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.