No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL