You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
This a good idea
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Customer is always right
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”