[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Legend 🤣🤣
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”