*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Battery falling down a hole
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot