[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
concern
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭