Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Many hands make light work
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.