I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I painted a hot chick with big jugs