Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You Might Also Like
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Good advice.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.