Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The Weeknd is back
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.