Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.