I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Florida man
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I just ran a .003048K
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.