Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.