Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.