draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block