I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?