Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
#Caturday
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.