It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
#parenting
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.