Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”