I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.