Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
We like the way Dwight thinks
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
This line from Airplane.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.