Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*