[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things