I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
cyclists
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler