My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Tuesday
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”