Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.