“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
This kid will have a bright future.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft