me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
You Might Also Like
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
They’re on their honeymoon
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Herpes is trending, good job people
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.