Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Maths meets science
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.